I heard that old song about “Do you like Pina Coladas?” today on the way to work. By the time I got to work and had a moment, the entire song had become a twisted little story in my head. I’ll probably drop this one, but here it is…

She goes by ‘SuzYchaTTer4U’.
He goes by ‘FunButchie512′.

She’s at the clean end of a single-wide. Diapers overflowing the trash can. Another scream. Another cry for Mommy.
She types, “Hey, enybody out ther?”
He’s on floor two of a three level McMansion. A stolen day from work.
Call in slick. Look for something else. Something to fill the space between.
He types, “Fun Butchie’s here baby!”

The right words, the right time.
Back and forth.
Shallow.
Sexual.
Deeper.
Back off.
Keep it light.

She types, “U evr ben in-love?”
He types, “Let’s not talk about that.”
She types, “Ok. Favorite Movie?”
He types, “Body Heat.”
She types, ” ;-)”

He asks about meeting up.
“A late lunch….or more….?…”
Another cry. “Mommy, Joey took my chicken nugget.”
She calls a friend. They exchange baby sitting when it gets too much.
It gets too much more often lately.
She types, “I’m free. The nanny is coming.”
He types, “U have a nanny?”
She types, “Hubby pays.”

He’s got to pick her up.
Hubby has the car.
She’s gotta broken leg she avoids explaining.
Address.
GPS.
He’s on the road wondering.
She’s running through the single-wide.
Quick shower. Hair won’t dry in time.
Make up. Light on the cheeks, heavy on the eyes.
A spray of perfume.
She sees a red car pull up out front.
It idles.
She watches it through the window.
The sitter comes in the back.
“Wow girl. You gotta date?”
“Sort of.”
“Gettin’ some?”
“Maybe.”

She limps out to the car. He reaches over to open the door.
He smells dollar store perfume as she sits.
“What do you wanna do?” he asks.
They ride aimlessly down a city street.
“It’s been a while. I want what we talked about.”
“I guess we can find a motel somewhere.”
“So long as you pay.”
“Ok.”
“And I want some wine coolers. Any flavor.”
They stop at a gas station to buy wine coolers.
The clerk gives a smile.
“Wine Coolers at one in the afternoon?”
The clerk glances out towards the car.
“I work midnight shifts.” he says.
“Yep. I bet.” the clerk says.

They pull up in front of the Roundabout Motel.
A sign with peeling paint advertises Free HBO.
“They got cable.” he says.
“You watchin’ TV?” she says.
He pays the dot Indian behind the counter.
Fifty-Nine bucks + tax. Cash.
“You don’t have an hourly rate?” he says.
“You pay for all 24 of them at once.” the dot Indian says.

Room 106, a smoking room. She looks like a smoker to him.
They don’t talk. He moves around the room. As if checking for something.
“What’re you looking for?” she asks.
“Just looking.”
“I’m gonna shower off.” she says.
He walks over. Gets close to her face and touches her hair.
“Your hair’s still wet from a shower.”
“Still.” She gulps the second wine cooler.
“It’s been a while.” she says.
“You and Hubby don’t have sex?”
“Hubby? Oh yeah. We do. It’s not much though. I sleep through it.”
“Oh.”
“How about you and wifey?” she says.
“Let’s not talk about that.”
“Ok. Favorite Food?” she says.
“Onion Rings.” he says.
“I’m gonna shower first.”

She’s drying off when he gets undressed.
He sees the freckles on her chest.
She asks about the scar on his back.
“How?”
“Let’s not talk about that.”
“Ok. Favorite drink?” she says.
“Shirley Temple”
He showers off as she pulls the sheets down.

She runs a hand over the bed. Cool and clean. He gets out of the shower.
“Come here. Dry me off.”
She smiles.
“Yes sir.”
She walks over and dries him off. She reaches up to kiss him.
“Not ’till I say so.”
“Yes sir.”

He lays back on the bed.
She obeys his commands.
Hesitant explorations.
“Hurt me” she says. “Like you said online.”
“Ok.”
He looks at her.
He wonders if she was ever pretty.
“You’re beautiful.” he says.
“Just do what you said online.”
“Ok.”

Moments pass with grunts and moans. She scratches his back and apologizes. They laugh.
“Turn this way. No the other way.” she says.
They laugh again.

Afterwards, she lights a cigarette.
She gulps wine cooler number four.
“It’s warm.” she says.
“Set it on the A/C.” he says.
“I’m gonna shower off.” she says.
She throws the bottle in the trash.

He’s dressed when she comes out of the bathroom.
He ignores the freckles on her chest.
She lights another cigarette.
“Smoking bother you?” she says.
“No.” he says.
“Good. I hate to be rude.”

They wait for the conversation that would lead to a logical ending.
She smokes.
He turns on the TV.
“So, you are watchin’ TV.”
“Free cable.” he says.
“You’re silly.”
“I need to get home.” she says.
“Ok. I’ll take you.”

They drive with the radio on.
A pool company is offering a discount.
“You gotta pool at your house?” she says.
“Yes.”
“Must be nice.”
“It can be until you have to clean it.”
“I gotta friend who had a pool. Her kid drowned in it.”
“That sucks.” he says.
“Yeah.”

They idle outside her single-wide.
She tries to kiss him good-bye.
He moves to the side and kisses her cheek.
“That’s ok.” she says.
She limps up the sidewalk.
He waits until she’s inside, then drives off.

She gets inside and changes her name.
She becomes ‘LisaReady4U’.

He gets back to his second floor.
He becomes ‘HeyLadyz451’.

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