Tips from a home shopper to the home sellers:

–I don’t care how cool your kid is, if you want me to seriously consider buying your house, paint his/her room a neutral color. Red & Black customized paint jobs with ‘HALO WARS GOD!!’ written over his twin bed will cost you thousands of dollars off your asking price.
Plus, the real estate agent and I will mock you during the open house. Just saying.

–The kitchen & bathroom renovations ADD more value than a pool. The value added is not a 1:1 comparison. Sure, the kitchen looks better to you but for the buyer’s it looks like a kitchen. Telling me, “I put $5,000 into the kitchen.” means it added about $3,000.00 to the value of the home. Refrigerators depreciate, get over it.

–Telling me ‘the pool conveys’ is as dumb as telling me “We’re leaving the walls behind.” I know the pool conveys because you’re not spending thousands of dollars to have it removed and shipped to your new house. Quit being a dumbass and quit thinking I am one.

–A ceiling fan in a walk in closet is not a sign of good taste or DIY skills. It’s a sign you’re dumb as a beer bottle and as useless as an empty one. I’ll under-bid you all day long. (It also helps explain, in part, why your house has been on the market through two Winters.)

–Buyer’s market means the buyer has the upper hand. Employing an agent who tries to tell me otherwise is unwise. Get a grown up to represent you or take the “For Sale” sign down.

–Your agent should know whether there is an attic and basement. We went to an open house and asked about an attic. The agent’s response, “I guess.” When we asked the depth of the well and whether it was spring fed or not, she responded, “I think it’s town water.”
We were nine miles out-of-town.
And “Well/Septic” was part of the MLS posting.
Stupid costs you money. Lots of money.

–Candles tell me your house normally smells like ass and needs to be cleaned. They are only warm and inviting to me, if I’m the type to keep candles lit in every single room of my house. Most folks don’t. Clean the house.

–Don’t leave your dog’s bowl in the kitchen. Just don’t.

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The NAACP declared the Tea Party movement a racist movement.
Say this out loud, “The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People”
It just has a certain Inclusive, non-racist, multicultural ring to it doesn’t it?
Much like the the phrase, Aryan Nation.
Just inspires racial unity eh?
Different piles; same stink.

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You can kill two birds with one stone, but really what are you gonna do with two dead birds? Eat them? Who are you, Davey Crockett?

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This is where I talk about writing and how much I enjoy it. I follow it up with an expression of my frustration capped off with exclamation points. I ask your opinion. You don’t comment. So I figure no one is really reading it anyway and become more depressed.
Which makes me want to write more. I begin to write while here at work and the boss comes in and asks why I’m laughing.
“Because Meanus Hale just found out his hunting dog is gay.”
He’ll look at me weird and remember my productivity levels when I’m not entertaining myself with stories no one will ever read anyway.
He’ll tell me he doesn’t get it. Which will depress me.
Which makes me want to write more.

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Accept the Fringe.

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